THE LOST TAPES Vol.12

It’s been so long since I’ve felt
That today I cannot feel no more

My self is a lead pencil that fell one too many times off the desk
And now any new point is bound to fall into oblivion 

And I am right. What I say is true
I am always right, I know that. I can’t not know that 

Not the ant exploring new terrain
But the yellowed leaf covered in mildew 

Aviators of my soul won’t find new routes
I could never be there 

***

Another one of those days in which everybody is offline
And there’s no “good morning” to respond to
And my shell remains a shelter against the horrors lurking outside
After the storm, when the sun is bright
A morning, a good one, I wish to myself
Unbeknownst to all that abandoned me in the last twenty-four hours

***

What if you disappoint everybody at the same time?
Whoever else will have you with open arms? 

***

Hey, you!
Hello, what is it?
Fuck you! 

***

   She was getting in the car through the front door, no mask (get it? so it wasn’t an Uber). Looked at me over the shoulder, at a glance, and after a moment looked again and kept eyes on me. I looked back at her, smiled. She didn’t smile back. Passed by her, she entered the car. A few feet away I look back, finally realizing how beautiful she is (looking like PatiRhymes; “aspiring awesome person”). The car is still there: a white Ford. Spent a few seconds wondering if I should run there or not, deciding not to; back walking. The white Ford passes right by my side, she’s at the window, throws a paper ball and I can hear the scream “GO, GO GO!” as the car screeches away. I pick up the paper ball, it’s her number (and a little verse in barely legible handwriting).

   “love at first glance
   Put me in a trance
   Rocks for the cheese grater
   Please call me later” 

***

love at first glance or just a wonder in sight?
am I betraying the canine by choosing the feline? 

***

Thinking back to that face, I must say,
What a shame not to record it, even though
Seen more than once. But to be fair, I’ll
Be honest, I was already at the brink of night
and I’ll explain the rest later

***

   Brink of night; edge of sanity
   Thorough silence in the empty street
   Big white moon, but on me shone orange
   Dirty cheap night lights for the city that doesn’t sleep
   Is what I thought to myself
   Whispering to myself
   Keep calm, girl, you won’t die tonight
   Keep calm, girl, you won’t die tonight
   My mind, as its own, knew for a fact I was going to die tonight
   But I kept whispering,
   Keep calm, girl, you won’t die tonight
   And the teenage (riot!) group turned the corner
   And a car also, also turned the corner and then another car
   and then an incessant trill of traffic
   And now I’m left to wonder: was I hallucinating? 
   Two whole days without eating
   Two whole days without sleeping
   Doc said I have to eat before la promenade,
   (Toujours la même promenade)
   Did I eat before coming out of the cocoon?
   Guess I didn’t, did I?
   No, I don’t think you did.
   Am I going to die, then? Already feelin’ unwell (uneasy?)
   Boo, I’m the ghost of your past and I came here to say that you are not going to die 2nite (said the ghost of my past
   And I told him to stay a little longer
   And he did and we talked about Mexican cuisine).
   And when I got to the park, to my surprise, they had changed everything for an exact copy replacement of disgusting glutinous orange
   (YUCK!)
   I hate myself, said I, to the ghost of my past
   And he said “LOL” with a straight face,
   And then “Don’t you tell me”. 

   When I came (back) to my senses, there was already a dick inside of me

***

Feel like I should not be writing right now
(mind wrong [woodpecker]
Building a nest inside (outside) the church bell
(tree) why do woodpeckers peck the wood?
In the mood for some pizza.

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