Untitled 06

   Looking at my reflection in the elevator mirror
   Bald like a punished whore
   I begin to question my sanity 

   The few hours I’ve been left alone
   Were enough to take me to hell and back
   Done myself like god to lucifer 

   And now, on my way to fresh air
   There’s nothing on my mind
   I feel like absolute nothing 

   Lost track of my life, of my dreams
   If a car ran over me in the next hour I wouldn’t mind
   I would help destiny, I would jump in front 

   Feels like the medication already wore off
   Despite the heavy doses, despite the heavy dizziness
   The stone golems don’t have faces 

   I don’t have me anymore
   I don’t have a face
   All my faces feel worthless 

   And what’s worse is this doming sensation of despair
   So far away, but threatening like always
   Waiting for me to slip up, like an awful devil 

   As I write, the sunlight coming from the window cast a silhouette
   It’s the me-shadow, looking like a man, ears clearly visible
   Constant reminder of my sorrow 

   And every time I feel the breeze
   Every time I run my hand through my head
   I can’t help but let out a tear; my heart cracks a little 

   On my way to the bathroom I’m weeping
   Under the shower I’m biting my finger and screaming
   Tears blend with shower water like blending with rain 

   Outside the bathroom my cat awaits
   She knows the pain I’m feeling, wants to help
   I let her try 

   Lay on the bed, she lays beside me
   Rubbing her head against my chest, purring a clear message
   Touching my face with her paws 

   Nothing helps when my pain is this far beyond my own reach
   Even if you cuddle with me in bed
   After you fall asleep it will all come back like a tide 

   My eyes will be wide open, my mind fighting the fatigue
   Insisting on showing me every trouble I’ve ever caused
   Convincing presentation from an expert 

   The sun will shine through the transparent fabric
   Today I don’t remember why I had insisted in this floral pattern
   Or why sewing that curtain made me happy 

   I don’t remember anything. Nothing makes sense
   There’s nothing to think about, nothing to talk about
   There’s only the death bed I’m laying on

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