Cofee with my mom

   Can’t believe I’m here, waiting
   For that old hag to come harass me
   With her brown eyes, as dark as mine
   And her brown hair, as dark as mine
   And her brown eyebrows, as thick as mine
   Old hag, witch, bitch, selfish cunt; just like me
   She’s just like me, I can’t believe I’m sitting here,
waiting 

   I ask the servant for the time
   And of course she’s late, 20 minutes and counting
   When she arrives I’m at the door, on my way out
   I look down at her, she looks up at me, says,
   “Your hair is too long”
   My voice cracks mid-answer, I step back
in trying to respond
   “Did you get a table already?” 

   There isn’t a word to be said until the drinks arrive
   And when they arrive, nothing seems to change
   She’s scrolling her Instagram feed, I’m writing this
   It was her idea for us to meet here today
   In what used to be out favorite coffee shop
   “To meet up and reconnect”
   But we’re on two completely different worlds
   And I think she might be shy to meet with a foreigner 

   “Why are you still here?”, she asks and
   I try sipping the coffee, but the cup is already empty
   So I gesture for more, and watch the girl coming our way
to have an excuse for time
   That’s a question I wasn’t ready for
   And I don’t want to stutter in front of the Captain 

   When I finish drinking the second cup,
   Gather enough courage to look into the eyes watching
my every move, I say
   “It’s not for you, or for him. Maybe it is for me.”
   “Maybe?”, she questions with derision
   And I sigh. That situation is just too tiresome
   I just want to get out of there,
to get rid of her once more
   But she has this power over me, I can’t move,
I can’t answer, I want to cry
   But I don’t want to cry in front of the Captain 

   “I’m sorry”, she says, noticing my distress,
“I just want to know what happened.
Why did you run away like that?”
   Once again, I fail to answer, my voice cracks; too loud
   “Tell me why you’re still here.
I saw your reaction when you looked inside the coffin,
 you don’t like us, I know that.
So why are you still here?”
   I don’t want to answer, she doesn’t deserve an answer
   I hate myself, I hate her, I hate her in me, on me, through me
   I hate my mom, I hate my dad, I hate my grandma
this family sucks, I suck, why can we stay alive
when people much better than us have died? 

   “Don’t be so selfish”, I say finally, spitting,
“You’re not the only one,
this city is not you, or those you call family.
I don’t like this place anymore, the coffee is different now
YOU are different, WE are different. If I wanted you back
we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.
You know I don’t like change... You changed.” 

   She got up and left
   I let out a tear or two, and left too
the question, floating in my mind
   Will I die before she does?

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