Untitled 07

 Father died yesterday
 Mom called, crying
 It’s my duty to travel across the country now
 See all those people dressed in all black
 My mom corrupted by this country’s ways
 My mom a disgrace to our family name
 My mom crying at a funeral 

 Father will be laid down in a maple coffin
 His black skin pale
 I’ll show up in all black too
but not as a sign of respect
 Through the doors, up to the coffin
 I’ll hold the spit inside my mouth
 Look around, see them all mourning
 Fake vipers, disgusting creatures
 I’ll hold the will to run away inside my heart
 Mom will come up to me and say
 Why are you doing this to me?
they’re all talking...
...can’t you dress more appropriately?
I won’t say anything 

 My eyes will be full of tears
 My back will be sore from the flight
 And after everything I’ve been through
 They will all misinterpret my sorrow 

 The prodigal son returns home
 Not so prodigal, not so son
 Not so willing to return
 Return to this big mess a’ surprise
 Father stone-cold, mom stone-cold
 If he was still alive, I bet a ticket back home
this fuck wouldn’t even look me in the eyes 

 The weight of the whole world upon my back
 won’t cut me no slack,
 won’t see my skin turn black
 under the bridge, lost in the dreams
 away from all of you 

 I wish I wasn’t so selfish
 I wish mom wouldn’t give me her narcissism
 I have all of her flaws, and I hate her for them
 I hate me for who I am
 I hate having the right to hate myself 

 Wish there was someone I could trust
(besides myself)
 To confide my many secrets without losing them
— or me —
 To the awful devil I’ve become 

 Wish I could notice people’s affection
 Wish I could feel their love
 Wish I could care for anything but myself
 I wish life wasn’t about me
 But it is, and I can’t run from that 

 Can’t run from the lies
 or the truths, or everything in between
 Can’t just stop seeing me and begin to see beauty
 Life is harsh, but just because it’s my life
 Love doesn’t exist, but just because it’s my love
 My suffering, my sorrow, father inside a box
 Mom crying fake tears through the phone line
 My mom, me, made as her exact image
 Alone now, sis is gone, Romeo gone
 She will look at me and say,
Why are you doing this to me? 

 Mom will say I shouldn’t be so disrespectful
 Mom will say I shouldn’t be so disgraceful
and then will hug me and say,
 Please, dear, take the car and go buy some proper clothes somewhere
then come back here, sit in silence beside me, and cry
 I will take the car, but be long gone before she knows it
 Visit old friends, play some music, drink some beer
 People will be surprised and say,
“what? she’s back?”
 And I’ll show up with two bottles of Kriskof and say
“let’s party” 

 04:00AM
 Laying on somebody’s couch
 I’ll write on my notebook
 “Father died yesterday...”
 And whatever comes after that
 Hopefully no one will read

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