a goofy portrait of us

   “Todos os dias quando acordo, não tenho mais o tempo que passou. Não foi fácil, não é fácil.
   [...]
   Cuidem de vocês, não se diminuam, usufruam do tempo que ainda tem, seja sagrada(o) para você mesmo. Não dá para mudar o passado, mas dá para aprender com ele, extrair o melhor de tudo e aplicar no presente para construir o futuro.”

 

   “Let the whore into your life
   Let the bore encounter strife
   May the devil cause no quarrel
   As I revel in your peril” 

   and just like that I can say it’s over
   look up to you, see you far away
   give up all my hope 

   doesn’t make sense to want you anymore
   rather belittle myself
   and revel in a place/non-place of mess— 

   —of city next to you and neighbor
   but not the same, as should be
   me younger than you, you older than me 

   wiser, no doubt
   hotter, no doubt
   better, no doubt 

   living experiences of Jupiterian lavishness
   traveling the whole country
   kicking sugar daddies in the nuts 

   out there, drinking, partying
   pepper-spraying motherfuckers
   having your hymen destroyed every weekend 

   at home, drinking, smoking
   being pretty for the cameras
   living great, living life as gives 

   independent woman, no man
   hates children, right?
   “that’s why we shouldn’t get married” 

   no target of men, you target them
   firearm prodigy
   could shoot a ball sack from 30ft away 

   tiny foot in high heels
   fishnet in legs
   designer skirt 

   stomp my adam’s apple in
   rip away this artifice
   make me as little a bitch as you can 

   better, why not rub your clit?
   wonder why I wasn’t fucking you
   while you still had a boyfriend 

   you’re so lucky
   even at your worse
   but I’m still more a woman
[than you’ll ever be 

   an outcast of choice
   can’t see no logic
   bitch, you’re so beautiful 

   I hate you so much
   I hate your faux touch
   I love you so much 

   I miss you so much
   your all orange self
   sun of mine, high noon 

   will never see you again
   you’ll never see the gift I bought you
   but I will 

   once I dreamt of you
   and me, and a big german shepherd
   his name was the same as yours, but jr. 

   and then you left me (in dream)
   single mother, wine mother
   he grew up and killed himself 

   you killed our baby (in dream)
   you killed my heart whole
   and didn’t even spit in my mouth 

   you said “I wish I had a dick”
   and I said “oh, really?”
   but thought “what for?” 

   remember when you made me blush so hard
   like everyday
   and like that, took all my sense of justice? 

   it felt good at the time
   but then I conjectured you
   as my executioner 

   and now, I write my manifesto
   as in means of hating you, finally
   but it’s not your fault you’re a whore 

   Miluje you are
   as in love itself
   as in my beloved 

   as in you drunk as fuck
   eating me with your eyes
   “you know, I really am bissexual” 

   as in you stoned as fuck
   out of this world
   “you know, we should run away” 

   as in you naked on bed
   crying after a beating
   “I love you, don’t be afraid to ask for nudes” 

   Miluje, my love, love as, love
   the third installment of goddess
   the third true love that left me 

   you as three, and the third
   you as complete absence of legality
   you as the final say of the trinity 

   the first one at 6ft below
   the second one at 6ft below
   the third one at 4 hours on plane 

   dead the same
   dead to me
   you want to be dead 

   I’m just “past” now, right?
   I’m just something that happened
   not an integral part of you(r life) 

   I.U.D. not S.I.S.
   highschool dropout
   living trife 

   “too busy to care for you
   too busy to care for you(r matters)
   too busy to care for you(r feelings)” 

   you left me, it didn’t work out by text
   I came to you, it didn’t work out in real life
   so I said I was sorry, you told me to lay off 

   me, lay off, me, who was your all
   me, who loved you more than anything
   me, who you loved more than anything 

   me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me
   me eight, as in Saturn
   I made you, Jupiter 

   the doom and gloom, me
   accepted destiny, crucify me
   with your great-sword, impale me 

   do me like god to lucifer
   do me like I deserve
   as the stupid fucking whore I am 

   drinking by myself
   partying with the dead
   giggling at the grotesque 

   I’ll kiss the dirt from the cadaver’s lips
   if you promise me, but for real
   to take me on a date, for real 

   in fact, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you
   “there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you”
   you said to me once, you 

   so I asked “would you kill someone with me?”
   and you said “there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you”
   and you threw me into the river and I caught a cold 

   it was winter, almost done, by spring
   you told me I could cry, wasn’t bothering
   we both under a couple xans 

   you were so beautiful, we were walking
   always stopping, you wanted to hug me again
   like it was the last time, and it was 

   you took the bus, I watched you go
   face made of stone, heart made of stone
   but under the shower I cried for days 

   poor me, you
   that you helped ruin
   both of us, ruined 

   and you did find your calling as a party-stopper
   dressed fancy, 10 bucks a pint
   not letting me chug this bottle of life 

   but what do I know?
   I’m nothing, less than nothing
   Undeserving, won’t beg your pardon 

   hand always writing, stop the voices
   amp is broken, play anyway
   play for beer at the hipster bar 

   pay for pleasure at the liquor store
   stone-cold drunk, piss drunk
   pissing on somebody’s porch 

   I’m limping now, the cut is not healing
   sutured the muscle, hurt like hell
   sutured the back so I don’t undo myself
[when picking something up from the ground 

   I did find someone else after all
   you were lying
   you never stabbed me with a stiletto 

   you never stabbed yourself with a rusty switchblade
   you never took a bite
   I never saw your bloody mouth chewing my jugular 

   on the day you encounter me again
   I’ll be someone other entirely
   you won’t know me, but I’ll know you 

   you’ll loathe me, I’ll love you
   you’ll say “let me see your scars again”
   then make a face and say “I love them” 

   you still love me
   you once understood me
   is that why you don’t want me anymore? 

   “I don’t care ‘bout how you look on the outside
   is the inside that matters”
   “but it’s rotten”, I thought to myself 

   “trust me, I know you well, I know the struggle
   I can help you be anything you want to be”
   “why?”, I thought to myself 

   “you deserve to be loved, and I love loving you
   but first, before anything else
   you have to love yourself. only then I’ll come back” 

   what I thought to myself after that
   can’t be put into words
   it was just a mess 

   I was just a mess, still just a mess
   and you’re perfect
   young and beautiful, always so sunny 

   it’s your birthday, happy birthday
   see, I still see you when destiny puts you
[in front of me
   I’m not that gone after all 

   this thing I just wrote
   it’s my gift to you
   happy birthday 

   hope you like it
   this goofy portrait of our history together
   like you and me, goofy, like once was