THE LOST TAPES Vol.10

   “Funny how psychotropics rule over good art, isn’t it?”
   “You mean that Soundcloud crap?”
   “I’m talking in general. Drugs are a good shortcut to prestige.”
   “’All my dreams got dimmer when I stopped smoking pot.’”
   “’Une  immensité de bonheur et de vertu s’ouvre devant toi.’”
   “’It’s hell on Earth and the city is on fire. Inhale, inhale, there’s heaven.’”
   “Hello, sir. May I interest you in some Devil’s cunt?” 

***

   Poor girl wearing a puffy dress
   Skipping around waving a wand and
   Dreaming of being a princess while
   Her mother fights a headache massaging her temples at the bus stop 

***

   The knife fell close to the juggler’s feet.
   What would happen if it were to hit bullseye? 

***

   Macho man, symmetrical beard, 7ft tall
   Says I’m cute, asks if he can buy me a drink
   Bourbon at 09:00AM
   Sex in the bathroom stall 

***

   Bland beige on my naked walls
   Colorful little Christmas lights sparkle all around the building across the street
   Disparity of moods or of worlds?
   I can’t tell a difference between my apartment and a hospital room 

***

   Being stuck at home sure suck
   All I really do is work, eat and tuck
   But then I open my wardrobe and say “yuck!”
   Guess now I need to wash a whole moldy wardrobe because of an infiltration I didn’t know about. Yikes. 

***

   Has it become a Christmas tradition for me to cry alone in this blog about how sad a day I’m having? I feel like I’ve grown accustomed to this holiday loneliness, actually, but if I’m not sad is it even a real Christmas?
   Both from the apartments above and below mine I can hear the soft tones of the jingle bells, smell the turkey, feel inside me the footsteps and loud thumps of happy kids jumping up and down; I hear laughter and short conversations to pass time, I can see the Christmas hats and ugly sweaters, and hear the crunch of the ginger cookies I sent them. Je suis à l’enfer, a hell cold and solitary of a single mug of hot cocoa and a single slice of fruit cake, but my hell nonetheless, my comforting little inferno.
   I’m not sad, not happy either but fine with what I have. Didn’t bother to buy presents for myself this year but got presents anyway, two great gifts from two great friends of mine. Got some presents ready myself too, and Priscilla this year will have another picture to hang on her wall; her house at this point has become a fridge door for my art only, but she loves it like a mom would always love a new macaroni necklace.
   You know what? I am happy. Happy for my neighbors loving my cookies as much as I love their leftovers, happy for being able to eat fruit cake with hot cocoa again, happy for how pretty the socks I knitted turned out, happy for all the Christmas specials I watched under this cozy blanket, happy for whoever said “Merry Christmas” back to me. 

***

[alternative ending for Deception]

   When you’re up I’ve already eaten breakfast and done the dishes
   You ask if I left anything for you, before going to the kitchen knowing the answer
   Eating there, not wanting to disturb my reading of yesterday’s newspaper
   I know you’re still optimistic, your smile stays in place even when I’m not looking
   Your little flame moves around in the cold darkness of my apartment looking for a torch to light even though you know there are none
   Forever incandescent alma of a someone that knows no better
[...]

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